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It's not like my life is in shambles, it's not as though I have little to be grateful for. It's not like I don't have a loving girlfriend, it's not like I don't have beautiful children and it's it like I don't have extracurricular activities that I enjoy. It's not like I don't have a good job, with good pay and excellent benefits. It's not like I don't have friendships in all walks of life, it's also not like I don't have an outlet in which I am able to "blow
off a little steam." For all intense and purposes I live a pretty good life, at least one that I am happy with and proud of. 
So then why the depression? Why the anxiety and most important with the suicidal thoughts, why the attempt?  See that's the irony of Mental Illness, you can have all the things I just mentioned and more, yet still suffer from a manic depressive disorder, general anxiety, psychosis, bipolar disorder or any number of mental illnesses.  See, no one is exempt from this, no one can predict whether or not you will be stricken with such an illness, and at first, you won't even treat it as an illness. At first, you'll say to yourself, "tomorrow will be a better day."  Then people around you will say, "don't worry it will pass." Then after a while, your feelings become callus, you begin to be irritable and what's inside is now made manifest on the outside. 
At this point you have a choice, to hide your feelings and act upon the feelings of self-harm OR admit the problem and seek help. Coming from the standpoint of someone who acted on all three, I wish I would have done the smart thing and listened to my doctor and not listened to society and sought help upon being diagnosed four years ago.  But, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, so I took the hard way to recovery, the same hard way I have taken all my life. The same roundabout road that leads you to your rightful place, but takes you the longest possible route.

Peace.
Jrock FGBC


A Mental Health Campaign
Theory or reality?
The thing about suicide is if you don't do it right the first time, you have to live with it the rest of your life.  You have to accept the fact that you didn't complete even the most heinous of acts.  That you couldn't achieve the one goal you had for the year, that you failed at dying. Now you're left with a sense of despair like no other, I think sometimes people will even look at you like you have failed once they find out about your suicide attempt.   
No one knows exactly why someone decides to take their own life, in my opinion, it's all speculation and theory.  The only one who knows why is the person committing the act, and I believe not even that person knows why.  That said, it's hard to talk to people about the illness that you suffer from, cause it's not like everyone can relate.  We have all been ill with the Flu or a stomach bug but, we all haven't had mental health issues that caused our illness.
It boggles my mind how I can go from seemingly "ok" to sitting atop a five-story parking structure ready to end my own life.   Not only do I think about it every day but, I am reminded of with every ECT treatment and every therapy appointment.  I want to talk about what I think are the "why's" but, I haven't garnered the strength to discuss in public or even in therapy for that matter the details of my "why theories."
I give myself until my 44th birthday(7/31) to gather enough strength to finally exercise these demons in hopes of gaining clarity and some sense of accomplishment. 

Jarrett "Jrock FGBC" Murrell

“No true freedom of man is possible without knowledge of the ultimate reality”
-Sri Yukteswar